The Irony
by xsakura13
Summary: Did she have an odd obsession with cross dressing? No. Did she enjoy being ogled by her own gender? No. Was she uncomfortable under the piercing stare of the creepy panda? Yes. "For a male, you have an abnormally feminine figure." Did she want to strangle him with his own handcuffs? Ditto.


Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note. This is a f _an_ fiction site after all. We here at xsakura13 firmly believe in the power and definition of the phrase "self explanatory." Also, the song used is "Want to Want Me" by Jason Derulo; it just happened to come on the radio while I was writing this story.

XXX

Light Yagami was a proud boy who rarely cursed, always received high marks, and lived a completely normal life in the Yagami household in the Kanto region of Japan. He was the epitome of chivalry that many strove to emulate but few could succeed—scratch that, _none_ could. Why? Because men were self-absorbed, arrogant _fools_ , and Light Yagami always knew it.

When he first applied to Daikoku Private Academy, they sent him a letter sooner than he anticipated. Eagerly, he tore it open, only to have his spirits crushed at the sight of a bold stamp proclaiming "Rejected" mocking him from his paper. So, he attempted once again the next year, after analyzing the data trends of acceptees. Only this time, he neatly penned M for his sex.

Light Yagami knew this was no accident because his rank in academics was the same for both years. Thus, he encountered a new, disappointing revelation that his younger, naïve self always overlooked: double standard and sexism was still apparent and thriving in the twenty-first century.

Light Yagami, the brilliant, sophisticated seventeen year old boy, was born female.

XXX

" _There's nothing I wouldn't do just to get up next to you. Just the thought of you gets me so high."_

Abruptly, Light shut her mouth once a group of girls clad in school uniform came into view. They waved to her brightly, rather _him_ , and she returned with a serene smile, unconsciously reaching a hand into her hair to adjust her wig. Like how she applied for Daikoku as a male, she did the same for Toho University, and to her _delighted_ surprise, she was accepted.

If there was one huge advantage of being at school, it was that she could kill undercover. Who would suspect a seventeen year old prodigy of being an assassin?

Except she ate her words that night, at dinner—pun completely intended.

Sayu was still at prep academy, but Sachiko set out the food anyway, the rich smell of Japanese curry wafting through the kitchen.

"Smell good," said Light appreciatively. "Thanks, Mom." She took a seat at her usual place and was joined by Soichiro Yagami, who sat across from her, a pensive expression adorning his features. He asked Sochiko to fetch something for him, and she gladly obliged. However, it left the father in an awkward silence with his daughter.

Light would rather have not been left alone with her father. Not everyone supported cross dressers, and evidently, he became one of them when she disclosed her plan to remain a male the rest of her learning career. Despite his reluctance, her adamance triumphed but at the price of their once closer relations.

"So, Light, how was school today?" he inquired almost a little too casually.

"Fine," she answered vaguely, her mental alarm system beginning to sound. Silently, she wondered if her father was homophobic as well. Inevitably, a girl would accidentally hit on her, and a guy would too if he were homosexual. She sighed, berating herself for allowing the impossible prospect of romance linger too long.

"What are you thinking about?" he asked curiously.

"About getting a boyfriend," she drawled candidly, testing how many buttons she could push. As anticipated, her father's face flushed scarlet, with shame or embarrassment Light couldn't tell. He'd always been too sensitive on the topic of her gender related issues.

"Sometimes," he growled harshly, slamming his spoon down. "I wish you'd just drop that embarrassing act of yours and get it together."

Light looked at her father sharply with hardened eyes, the volume of her voice rising. "Do you think this is some game I enjoy manipulating? All the opportunities I could've had slip through my fingers and vanish because of it. I'm the one suffering, and you have the _audacity_ to declare it humiliating?"

"Just eat your dinner," he ordered gruffly, weary of the day.

Reluctantly, Light shoved a spoonful of curry in her mouth, if only so she wouldn't be forced to converse with her father, and ended up choking on the spice. Instinctively, she spat it out, sauce flying in her father's face, as fire burned in the back of her throat and ears. She grabbed the glass of water near her bowl and gulped it down; it left an acrid aftertaste at the back of her tongue. In just a few seconds, dark patches began clouding her vision, and like a vacuum, it stole all colors away, leaving a fading image of her father behind.

Yet, behind the rush of surprise and betrayal, Light couldn't help but find satisfaction in knowing that Sachiko would find dinner all over his beet red face.

XXX

"No, no, no, and no."

Light woke up to sore muscles and a dimly lit room. The blindfold over her eyes tapered her view, and the restraints around her thin arms were uncomfortable. She felt like a caged dog, wires digging into her flesh like teeth. Even her voice sounded hoarse and cracked, which she supposed was a good thing considering few knew her true identity.

"Good morning, Yagami-kun," greeted a synthesized voice.

"It's really not," she replied dryly, already piecing the situation together. Her heart began pounding like the wings of a trapped bird, but she managed to take a few deep breaths. She was not Kira; she was the son of the respectable chief police. It was merely two secrets she had to guard, and nothing could give her away. "Quite terrible to wake up blind folded, kidnapped, and held at an unknown location. I detest liars."

He wasted no time. "Including those who claim to kill for peace?"

"…Sure… But, to be honest, there are worse things in the world. For example, destruction of the ozone layer, allowing UV rays to intensify and increasing the likelihood of skin cancer. Then, there areas without potable wate-"

"Light Yagami, are you aware that you're under arrest for suspicion of being Kira?"

"It's rather rude to interrupt people when they're speaking," she replied dryly. "But, since you asked. Obviously—since you've just informed me."

"Were you aware of this prior to a moment ago?"

"No. Because if Kira knew he was under suspicion, then he would've fled already."

A terse pause followed. "You admit that Kira is male, then?"

"Whatever makes you feel better, chap. I can't really vouch for their gender," she drawled. "What happens if they're transgender? Don't want to be discriminatory." Light tsked in mock disapproval.

If possible, the tension in the air thickened. "Light Yagami, do you know who I am?"

She pondered for a second and replied solemnly, "A creepy serial rapist or killer who enjoys watching his or her victims squirm in discomfort before committing the deed? A possible mafia leader who employs kidnappers and questions the victims to see if they're suitable to be sex slaves? Terrorist groups recruiting members?"

"It's interesting how your guesses fall in line with certain gender trends," mused the voice. "Nonethless, I would like to inform you that I am L."

"OL?"

Behind a bright screen, the man known as L frowned. His thumb unconsciously flew to his lips as he slunk deeper into his crouch. "Pardon?"

"LOL?" Light repeated vaguely amused. "Acronym for 'laugh out loud' and "League of Legends.' Most of the time, it's used as 'lack of laughter.' Quite suitable for you, if I do say so myself."

Light wiggled her legs subtly. "Light Yagami, make no mistake: I am the detective L, and I work to bring Kira to justice," he pronounced firmly.

"Great! You do that, and I'll report you for violation of human rights," she answered brightly, letting her lips tug upwards though she was sneering on the inside, "sexual harassment, torture, and all those good things!"

"The likelihood of you being Kira has risen to 5%."

"LOL, I typically like being tactful, but I'll make an exception this time: I give negative two shits and a half what you do as your creepy hobby as long as it doesn't involve me."

"Your lack of concern over this entire situation is rather peculiar."

"Look, I know you're probably some creepy pedophile hiding behind a computer screen all day who's as pale as a ghost because the sun has never touched your skin. That is, it _doesn't_ want to touch you at all. But, make no mistake: People will notice that I am missing, and when they do, it'll be traced back to you."

Silence again. Then, a bone chilling chuckled emitted from the speakers, slow like a deadly waltz. The amusement in his voice sparked into full fledged interest. Light was reminded of the dangers of the man known as L. "Light-kun, you seem to forget that I have the allegiance of almost every single nation and their law enforcement agencies. But, no. That won't be necessary. You, Light Yagami, received an internship in the United States for your excellent academic achievements. That will be all for today."

Abruptly, the room went silent. Light mused to herself how she would slip by this time. Fortunately, during the whole Kira incident, she had altered the file about herself in the police database. Naturally, it corresponded with her façade: gender and all. But, that was the least of her worries now; L was on her scent. She had to move—quickly.

XXX

"I _loathe_ cold cereal."

"Beggars can't be choosers."

Light shook her head adamantly. "I _refuse_."

"Then, you will encounter symptoms of low blood sugar and faint."

"Then, my _blood_ will be on _your_ hands," Light shot at him venomously.

"7%" he replied, "chance of being Kira. Frame someone for your murder, and convince the crowd that you've died—only to return killing." She could practically hear the smirk in his voice. "Thank you for the hint."

"You are _impossible!"_

"In regards to finding my identity?" he inquired knowingly. "Yes. Quite so, and I've made it so that it would remain that way." He quieted into complementation. "Are you curious?"

She blinked, sour mood forgotten. "Of what?"

"My identity."

Light pursed her lips, and the storm cloud returned to the top of her head. Her mood darkened again; she refused to speak but instead, pouted like a sullen child.

"9.8%"

"I didn't even say anything!" she bursted indignantly.

"But, you didn't deny it either. Of course, Kira would like to discover my true identity."

"And the media, tabloid writers, magazine writers, Sakura TV, little kids, and every other person in the world," Light added flatly, mentally ticking off her list. Her arms burned with a painful stiffness; the restraints probably left angry red cuffs on her wrists. Yet, she was too proud to complain to the damned detective. If she ever found his true name, she would force him to endure all of this. The thought brought temporary relief to her burdens.

"63% chance that you're thinking of killing me, Kira," drawled the synthetic voice rather arrogantly.

Light rolled her eyes—or as much as she could with the blindfold. "Close: I was thinking of destroying your voice scrambling equipment."

Her words must have left him genuinely befuddled. "Why?"

"Because it's disconcerting," she stated plainly. "Sometimes, sound is more reliable than vision; your eyes can deceive you, but you can hear lies." She let him soak that in. "Plus, it's comforting to know that you're human and not some robotic machine hell bent on saving the world at the cost of anything"—she paused, almost grinning at the irony of it—"As comforting as knowing that you'd just eaten a puffer fish, at least."

To break the silence, she continued, "Some people say that they can see colors for sound—people who've lost their sight. A putrid green slathered on a canvas of black," she mused. "But, that's similar to saying that a God exists just because a prophet insisted upon it. Do you believe in such things?"

To Light's relief, L didn't start to overanalyze his comments to find some nonexistent proof that she was Kira. Instead, he replied, "My work is based upon facts, evidence, and deductive reasoning. I can hardly imagine using a god as a justification for my inability to solve any case."

"Then, explain Kira," she challenged quietly. "Killing with heart attacks? Controlling the time of death? All without being present at the victim's location?"

Again, her question was followed by a long silence. Tension thickened at every passing second. The death-like silence was broken by a grave voice stating emotionlessly, "How did you know about that?"

 _Shit._

XXX

"Absolutely not."

"Why?" he prodded. "You claimed that you wanted to catch Kira as much as I do. This is the perfect opportunity, and I'd really advise against wasting it."

She shot him an exasperated look. "I will _not_ seduce Misa Amane into giving information—which she may not even have. If that plan is so ideal, _you_ can do it." It was amazing how Light managed to scrape by as a male still. She relied heavily on dry shampoo, washcloths, and shower curtains to maintain her façade. L wasn't pleased, but Light really couldn't give two shits what he thought when her personal hygiene was at stake.

Of course, there was the topic of seducing Misa Amane, which L was practically forcing her to do.

"But, Light-kun is more adept at this," he reasoned, peering at her owlishly.

Speaking of which, when L first revealed his appearance to her, she was taken aback. It was the equivalent of looking at a homeless panda with scoliosis.

"Do you think I go about my day toying with girls' hearts?" Light demanded, scowling.

"…Yes, in fact, I do," the detective answered bluntly, swallowing a panda cracker. He started at Light with an unfathomable expression. "That is exactly the type of thing Light-kun would do. I'd presume Kira would play that tactic as well."

She started at him incredulously. "Ryuzaki?"

"Yes, Light-kun?" L placed his plate down, leaping onto the chair in front of his computer monitor, legs tucked under his body. In retrospect, Light could see how L strongly resembled a cat: agile, stubborn, arrogant, a nuisance…

"Screw you," she huffed.

L turned his chair to face her and blinked innocently. "What time?"

"AAAAAAARGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

XXX

"Light-kun?"

"….."

"Light."

Light pointedly ignored the detective and continued tapping away rapidly on her keyboard.

"Light Yagami, the fact that you're not answering me means that your probability of being Kira is increasing."

The typing halted abruptly, and Light steeled her eyes to glare at L. "What?" she snapped, allowing her hands to grip the chain linking them. After all, she didn't want to murder him with her bare hands and be brought to court for it. No, she'd rather remain subtle.

"By denying our tactic of seducing Misa Amane, does that mean you're on _that_ side of the fence?"

Of course, that didn't mean that Light _didn't_ want to wrap the chain around the panda's slender neck and pull ever so sligh—

"Light-kun, please stop fantasizing about killing me," interrupted L. "It's rather discombobulating and not good for your mental health."

"Since when have you cared about my mental health?" she said snidely, turning her chair back to her computer monitor.

Truth be told, Light wanted to release maniacal laughter at the entire irony of the situation. For all intents and purposes, the Light Yagami she masqueraded around as might as well have been homosexual.

"Well, there's a solid chance that Kira is committing murder because he's mentally unstable. For the record, you're at 12.8%"

"For not denying being Kira?"

"Indeed."

"My apologizes. I was preoccupied calculating the percentage that _you're_ on _that_ side of the fence."

Seeing the dubious expression on L's face, Light added smugly, "You are the one who asked what time we should 'screw'."

"Sorry, I don't do Kira suspects."

"Correction: You don't do anyone at all."

L raised a questioning eyebrow. In response, Light snorted derisively. "I'm the closest thing you'll get to it."

"What makes Light-kun think so?" inquired L curiously.

Light rolled her eyes and lightly shook her wrist; the chain jangled. "Don't tell me that this doesn't look kinky."

"It doesn't."

"Liar."

An indecipherable expression crossed L's face. "My, Light-kun, remove your head from the gutter," mocked L, obsidian eyes piercing her soul.

She tried to restrain the red tinge on her cheeks. "Whatever, Ryuzaki. Continue your creepy hobby, and you might just get charged for sexual harassment."

"Not before I manage to convict you of being Kira," muttered L under his breath.

Light's eyes sharpened with defensive aggression, but she counted to ten silently.

"Although, for a male, you do have an abnormally feminine figure," mused L mildly. "Perhaps your insecurity is deterring you from enacting our plan."

"First of all," she snapped, "it was never _our_ plan; it was one of your ludicrous vagaries that I have no intention of partaking in. Second of all, you have a higher chance to dying via this handcuff right now"—she shook her chained wrist violently—"than you do by Kira." Light huffed. "Besides, what is it with your obsession with Misa Amane?" she demanded angrily. "Don't tell me you've fallen head over heels for her."

L looked contemplative. "Heads over heels?" he repeated, dumbfound. His thumb tucked under his chin, he declared solemnly, "I believe you are jealous of Misa-chan."

Light stared at him flatly, arms crossed over her chest and wholly unamused. "Jealous of what part of Misa, exactly?"

"The way she could pull off the ideal feminine act that you typically avoid."

Her stare intensified, tinged with slight alarm. Light's voice raised an octave as she questioned cautiously, "What do you mean?"

"Let's see how I can put this delicately." L spun around on his office chair, snatching a carton of panda crackers. "By acting as your true self, it wouldn't do too well for the façade you've woven."

"Ryuzaki," said Light warningly, "I've told you over a million times. I am _not_ Kira. Just give it up already!"

A quick look at L's expression gave Light the impression that he was frustrated—as frustrated as L could be anyway. Meanwhile, L seemed to struggle to find the words that would convey exactly what he was thinking while being tactful. With a sigh, L allowed his hand to cover his face, index finger and thumb massaging his temples. Clearly, he should've consulted Watari more on this matter. But, it couldn't be helped since he was away in England at the moment.

"Light?" he began. "I'll put it this way. You realize that I can see your shadow behind the shower curtains, correct? That includes your rather curvy figure."

Light froze, eyes widening to the size of saucers, calculating aura replaced with one of vulnerable shock.

"Cleary not," remarked L, eyeing Light's immobile form with some satisfaction.

"Of course," he continued to Light's distress, "I deduced it from a variety of other factors. For example, you could successfully push your voice to mezzo-soprano, a vocal classification typically reserved for females."

He held out a plate of strawberry cake as an offering to Light. She shook her head. L shrugged and impaled it with his fork, chewing thoughtfully.

"Naturally, I was curious as to why there were sports bras in your drawer—"

"You looked through my clothes?" exclaimed Light furiously, hostility shaking her out of her previous state of numbness.

"I had to ensure that you weren't hiding weapons of any sort," replied L offhandedly, not bothered by Light's outburst.

"Of course, what really takes the cake is what you say when you sleep," L said. He clarified after seeing the puzzled expression on Light's face. "Light-kun tends to moan a lot."

Her cheeks reddened with embarrassment, but L continued almost obviously. "I initially thought Light-kun was in pain—most likely from the lack of cake eaten. But, when I listened closer it was something along the lines of 'Hideki Ryuga'." His lips quirked at the irony.

"So, I deduced that Light-kun was having a rather sensual, possibly bordering erotic, dream about the former mentioned. Obviously, the percentage of the population that is heterosexual is much higher than that of homosexual, meaning that Light-kun, or rather Light-chan, is female." L paused for a moment, not to show Light mercy of course but to catch his breath. "Correct me if I'm wrong," he challenged, with a smirk.

Light's cheeks represented a burning conflagration, ready to explode. "Alright, Ryuzaki!" she yelled. "I admit it! I'm a girl! Leave me alone!" She glared daggers at him, fisted hands clenched at her sides. He would ruin this for her: everything she accomplished so far toppled by this devil detective.

L smiled lazily, as he accessed her up and down with a gleeful eye. "If you must know, that was all a theory I had—one that I crafted on whim just a few minutes ago," he enunciated slowly. "The likelihood of that theory being correct was less than 9.4%, but your confirmation just made it 100%. I must say Light, I never would've thought…"

She felt dread tangling at the pit of her stomach, and her heart pounded in cold sweat. To be taken aback was an understatement. "But, the sleep-talking," she breathed, "my clothes…How could you have—"

"It was something I deduced, true," he said softly. "Through household surveillance, I came across your family watching a television show Hideki Ryuga starred in. The cameras in your room would often depict your lips moving as you slept. I put two and two together. As for your clothes, the only way you would've minimized your…cleavage movement while simultaneously keeping up with a team of males would naturally be accredited to some article of clothing."

"Y-You you—"

"Yes, Light-chan?" he replied wickedly. In a flash, he crossed the space between them, and with a hand on her shoulder, L ripped off the offending wig on her head. Triumphantly, ebony waves undulated in their glorious freedom, framing the face of their stunned owner. "I do prefer your real hair over this atrocious wig though. It does well to corroborate my theory further."

"You blithering twat!" she shouted fiercely, seizing the fork on her table and lunging at him wildly. L dodged with ease, sidestepping her sloppy attack.

"16%" he stated, unable to hide his amusement. "Come. There's no one else in this building—no one to stop you. Unless you think your attacks are ones of an incompetent child," he taunted, hands folded patiently behind his back.

At his words, Light's lips curved upwards—one that mirrored the smirk the detective wore a few moments earlier. "No one's here?" she repeated wickedly. "In that case…" With a yank on the chain that bound them together, Light viciously tugged the detective closer to her.

XXX

Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed it! I know this is a little less than conventional since I portrayed Light as a girl and changed his IQ and personality quite a lot. But, I'm more of a controversial person, and hopefully, I didn't make a bad impression for my first Death Note fanfic ^.^ Until next time~


End file.
